A Parody by Tim Jerhoff

U.S. Capitulates in Cold War......18 Years after Soviet Union Collapses!

February 17, 2009

In a stunning development, President Barak Obama announced today that the US was throwing in the towel in the Cold War. The capitulation came in the form of the final passage of, and the President's signature on, the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009. After the bill's signing the President took a few questions:

PRESIDENT: The fact that the Soviet Union no longer exists is somewhat troublesome, but I think the larger point here is to acknowledge that they were right and we were wrong. End of story. Who, exactly, we're going to surrender to has yet to be determined, but we'll get all of that figured out in due course. What the hell, we almost figured out how to honor the Anti-ballistic Missile Treaty without any so-called "country" to talk to. What makes this so different? And by the way, if it hadn't been for that pesky Reagan they probably would have won the whole shebang anyway....Oh, well...hope and change! Okay, who's first with the questions...CBS, go ahead.

CBS: Sir, have you spoken with Mikhail Gorbachev since the announcement and, if so, would he be willing to accept a formal surrender from us. I was thinking maybe Mr. Putin, or excuse me, Mr. Medvedev, would be willing to grant him a temporary, ceremonial post just for the occasion. Or maybe in light of this announcement he could even take power again. Wouldn't that be neat. We in the press always kind of liked the old bugger.

PRESIDENT: Jesus, you mean he's still alive? How does he look? That thing on his head must've taken over his entire body by now. But to answer your question: no, I have not talked to him. I'm sure he's a little pissed. He watched his whole country go down in flames only to have us finally agree with them nearly 20 years later. Now that I know he's still around I'll have to call and apologize. As far as your surrendering to Gorby idea goes; it sounds like a good one. I'll run it by Communications. Think of the party we could have. And based on the press reports I've seen, if you want to genuflect to a communist, Gorby's your man.......I guess we'll have to invite the Clintons, otherwise she'll kick my ass all over the globe......wait, did I say that out loud??? Anyway, NBC you're next.

NBC: Mr. President, some of your congressional critics have said that you allowed the center-left leaders of the House, like Nancy Pelosi, craft too much of this legislation, thus making it more about government spending and control instead of economic stimulus. What would you say to those unpatriotic crackpots?

PRESIDENT: Great question. First of all let me clarify by asking you a question: What or whom, exactly, are "center-left leaders of the House"?

NBC: I'm not sure, Sir. That's just what my editors have written down here on these instructions. The bastards didn't even give me a pencil when they sent me down here. I guess they figure it's being recorded anyway...It does seem odd that your answers are on here as well...

PRESIDENT: I see. Well, more to the meat of your question. Nancy Pelosi is a political hack. She's lucky I let her keep her jet or she'd be running those wrinkles out from DC to California. I let her keep her jet at the same time I had to spend political capital to take away those auto executive's jets. So she owes me big-time. However, I'm very fond of the Speaker and consider her a dear friend. She was instrumental in crafting this legislation and I would like to extend my sincere appreciation. She's obviously shifty enough, or she has enough incriminating info on other members, that she's able to crack the whip. Hey....is that why they call those guys in the House "Whips"??.... Vice President Biden, could you get me the names of those guys. We need to have a little talk with them , also. Anyway, I'll find her useful from time to time. I think Stalin nailed it when he called Congressional liberals "useful idiots". Furthermore, I think she now understands that I've got a bigger whip, so if she doesn't mind her Ps and Qs the welts will come....Chicago style. ABC, you're next.

ABC: Mr. President, many talk radio hosts have been critical of your policies and some have suggested that you mean to shut them up by virtue of the Fairness Doctrine. Yet you have said that you don't intend to bring back the fairness doctrine. If there were one criticism of you that the press might have, and just to be clear ,sir, that's a big if, it would be your failure to silence dissent. What do you intend to do to get these complete whackos off the air?

PRESIDENT: Now hold on there. There's no need for name calling here. Just sit tight there, ABC. This is the era of HOPE and CHANGE. Now, we don't agree on everything, but I'll be trying to convince them I'm right. It suffices to say that I HOPE they CHANGE. What's cool is, they HOPE they CHANGE, too. They just don't know it yet. I'm not letting all that dough Bush spent on torture training go to waste...we just can't afford it right now. PBS, you're up.

PBS: Thank you, Mr. President. Sir, with the signing of this legislation, and the subsequent surrender, there will obviously be some restructuring going on. Can you give us a little insight into what changes are to come, how you'll get the money you propose to spend and how you'll spend it?

PRESIDENT: First of all let me just say that the President can't do anything alone...yet. I cannot appropriate money, Congress does that. So, next week I will be proposing legislation to change that little flaw in our Constitution. After all, I did win the election. The American people, according to the polls, seem to think I'm a trustworthy guy. Why should we have to muddle through every Congressional committee and procedure? Just because a few 18th century  old wig wearers came up with "checks and balances"? I don't think they could understand the times we're living in. Now, after swift approval of this proposed legislation (Harry and Nancy, do you HEAR me?) I intend to create a new executive department at the cabinet level. The Federal Authority for Determining Needs and Abilities will be a bold, new compass for America. We will form many various commissions to study and determine exactly what everyone needs. After that is determined, other commissions will be formed in order to determine what everyone's good at, or their abilities. Once we have those two things nailed down we can then determine where to move people and money around so they match up.

PBS: Move people around, sir??

PRESIDENT: Of course. There's really no other way to do it.

PBS: But sir, I live in California and I rather like the weather there. What if you should determine that I'd be better utilized in say, Haiti?

PRESIDENT: Well PBS, I would just ask you this: Do you really NEED to live in California?

PBS: I suppose not, sir, but what if I wa...

PRESIDENT: Well, there you have it. And besides, the weather's not bad in Haiti either. Thanks for the follow up. Now, it just so happens that the Federal Authority for Determining Needs and Abilities, or FADNA, uses the same acronym as another program we've come up with to help us through this crisis. Again FADNA, or Fetal Acquisition of Deoxyribonucleic Acid, or DNA, will help us make these determinations beginning in the womb. Wouldn't it be a good thing to know who someone is going to be before they're ever born? That way we can steer them in the right direction from very early on. If someone wants to be a comedian and we already know they'll never be funny, wouldn't we save them a lifetime of heartache by just making them an anchor man instead? The science isn't quite there, but with further testing we can get there. And what better Petri dish than the American public could we find. The Europeans won't let us try it on them first, the selfish bastards, so, as always, we Americans must accept the responsibility and push the limits. We'll get there folks, just give me the pow- um, the time. But I've gotten a little off topic here, health care is next week. Oh great, FOX News you're next.

FOX: Huh??...Oh, Thank you Sir. Mr. President, I was just wondering...............................I...I'm not sure how......

PRESIDENT: YES???

FOX: Oh....never mind sir. I'm going home to hug my kids, put them to bed and drink a bottle of bourbon. Or is it vodka now? Excuse me please....

PRESIDENT: I'm more of a single malt scotch guy, but whatever floats your boat. I guess I dodged that one. Hey, it looks like we've got a member of the foreign press here. They loved me in Germany. Let's give it a whirl. ITAR-TASS, from Russia, your turn.

ITAR-TASS: With all due respect, Sir, we had something similar to that when I was a kid and, frankly, it didn't work out so well. We had bread lines and all other kinds of lines, and corruption that would even make Congress look squeaky clean. And the only people who had any money at all were those who ran Moscow and---

PRESIDENT: Officer, who is this guy? I was not aware that we were taking questions off script. Would you please remove him IMMEDIATELY! You know what to do.

CBS: Hey, he's a colleague of mine, where are you taking him?? Who is that taking him away and why are they being so rough?

PRESIDENT: That man obviously doesn't have his wits about him. He's obviously a threat to me so I had the Secret Service take care of him. You didn't recognize them because of their new uniforms. As far as where he's going: since we aren't using GITMO for terrorists any more, we've established a little "Education Camp" down there. As a matter of fact, we've got a plane waiting for all of you so you can see how we've remodeled the place. You'll love it. We were going to set it up here in New York to make you feel more at home, but again, Bush, spent all that money down there and I don't intend to let it go to waste in these troubled economic times. Besides, it's in Cuba and they've already got all the economic books you'll be reading down there. I've told the generals to cut a hole in the fence and build a path to their library. Bicycles will be provided. After your indefinite period of re-education we will be having a graduation ceremony with drinks and dinner down there. OPEN BAR, PEOPLE. You'll need it. Also your quarters will be right next door to the radio talk show guys, so you 2 groups will be seeing eye to eye in no time. Now, that's what I call compromise!

NBC: Sounds like a hoot, Sir. Say, by the way, who are you getting to run FADNA?

PRESIDENT: Damn it NBC, you're off script again. I wanted that to be a surprise. I guess the cat's out of the bag now, so I'll just tell you: After dinner and drinks, and a quick comedy routine by Castro, I will be resurrecting Che Guevera. I thought about using Castro himself, but he looks worse than a dead guy. Apparently they've already got Che's hands on display in Havanna, we just need to find the rest of him down Bolivia way.. Anyway, see you in a few weeks, or however long it takes. The plane's waiting. We'll have our next press conference when you all get back. Thank you, and Barak Blesses America.